"That wasn't really an option," says Denise
Monday afternoon. Stop this thing, I want to get off. Blah blah work, blah blah Junior League, blah blah blah. Blah. Oh, and let us not forget the biggest blah of all: Blah blah weight loss and fitness. Fed up. So fed up and sick of this. Don't want to talk about it, don't want to think about it, don't want to have nightmares about it, don't want to think about it while I'm at a military ball and worried that I'm the fattest girl there and that I'm having a negative effect on TCB's career as a result.
Why won't this work for me this time??? I've never gone this long really wanting to make a change and not being able/willing to get it done. I'm the one that loses weight really easily once I get on the bandwagon. Why not now? I cry all the time now - for no apparent reason - and I feel like a total failure because of this one, stupid thing. I know that TCB is just itching to say, "Why is this so hard for you? Just eat less and move more." I'd be thinking the same thing if I were him. Heck, you're probably all thinking the same thing, too. Why isn't it that easy for me? Why does the mere thought of restricting what I'm eating to, say, 1400 calories a day, send me straight into a binge of epic proportions? Getting on the treadmill seems totally pointless after I've just eaten enough for a family of four, not to mention my fear that I'll vomit from all of the food combined with exercise.
And then all of this makes me anxious and that makes me want to eat to numb it away. Of course, it never really goes away, but the food soothes me. Why is there nothing else to soothe me? (Other than compulsive shopping which I can no longer afford and which is not significantly healthier for me than the binge eating.) No, not hot tea, not a hot bath, not a walk around the block (definitely not that), just nothing can stop the panicky need that rises up and demands that I eat until I'm completely full and satisfied. That's it right there, actually, it's not about eating until I'm not hungry...that's not enough. I have to eat until I'm satisfied. Where does that come from? Why do normal people not have that problem? (Yes, I know, using the word "normal" is a bad thing...but if I have to be PC on my own journal, what's the point?) What messed up part of my life has created this situation and what do I need to do to fix it?
Today, this minute, right now, if someone offered me a pill that would take away any desire to eat food, even if that meant I'd never enjoy tasting another thing ever, I'd take it. Without worrying about side effects. Without considering how it would affect my enjoyment of life. Without a second thought. To live life without obsessing about binges is a dream that I cannot imagine will ever come true and I don't know how I'm going to get control of this thing given that fact.
Why won't this work for me this time??? I've never gone this long really wanting to make a change and not being able/willing to get it done. I'm the one that loses weight really easily once I get on the bandwagon. Why not now? I cry all the time now - for no apparent reason - and I feel like a total failure because of this one, stupid thing. I know that TCB is just itching to say, "Why is this so hard for you? Just eat less and move more." I'd be thinking the same thing if I were him. Heck, you're probably all thinking the same thing, too. Why isn't it that easy for me? Why does the mere thought of restricting what I'm eating to, say, 1400 calories a day, send me straight into a binge of epic proportions? Getting on the treadmill seems totally pointless after I've just eaten enough for a family of four, not to mention my fear that I'll vomit from all of the food combined with exercise.
And then all of this makes me anxious and that makes me want to eat to numb it away. Of course, it never really goes away, but the food soothes me. Why is there nothing else to soothe me? (Other than compulsive shopping which I can no longer afford and which is not significantly healthier for me than the binge eating.) No, not hot tea, not a hot bath, not a walk around the block (definitely not that), just nothing can stop the panicky need that rises up and demands that I eat until I'm completely full and satisfied. That's it right there, actually, it's not about eating until I'm not hungry...that's not enough. I have to eat until I'm satisfied. Where does that come from? Why do normal people not have that problem? (Yes, I know, using the word "normal" is a bad thing...but if I have to be PC on my own journal, what's the point?) What messed up part of my life has created this situation and what do I need to do to fix it?
Today, this minute, right now, if someone offered me a pill that would take away any desire to eat food, even if that meant I'd never enjoy tasting another thing ever, I'd take it. Without worrying about side effects. Without considering how it would affect my enjoyment of life. Without a second thought. To live life without obsessing about binges is a dream that I cannot imagine will ever come true and I don't know how I'm going to get control of this thing given that fact.
Comments
Joc
god Denise, I'm with you 100% of the way.
I'm sick of the way I feel, I know all the logical answers... but I can't do it...I don't choose to do it?!?!
I don't have an answer for you... I just know that I'm living the nightmare right alongside of you.
What is working for me, so far, is not just eating less, but eating the right stuff. I've long thought I was insulin-resistant, but was too lazy to figure out how to eat the right combinations of the right foods at the right times. I finally figured it all out (with a lot of help), and am losing very slowly, but steadily.
I was a binge eater, an emotional eater, I ate when I was bored, happy, sad, mad ... I guess I was really an occasional eater – I ate on all occasions. This new way of eating has almost eliminated cravings and hunger.
Yes, I sometimes have to deal with emotions and boredom and occasions. But success breeds confidence, and I'm experiencing just enough of both to feel, for the first time in a long time, hopeful. And happy.
I haven't checked in here in a very long time, and I'm so sad that you're in the space you are. Hoping you can climb out and see the sun soon.
It seems horrifying some days to be so immersed and consumed by what is seemingly small to some people, but they might have other issues like career etc. that are easier for you and me..who knows?
We all have our struggles and emotional baggage from the past that certainly we never had a vote in or chose!
No one has the magic answer. It sounds like you know and can identify the factors at force from some not-so-lovely experiences rom childhood, in which case your "medicating with food" to soothe your emotions and past connections to them, makes absolute perfect sense.
Identifying and acknowledging the problem, as you have, puts you on the road to recovery already.
This is a good first step.
You also know what works for you and you have done it before, so this is another plus.
Now, you need to find that impetus, that elusive kickstart button to get you started again.
That's where you might need a bit of more intensive intervention/guidance/counseling or whatever you have access to...just out of interest, have you considered or tried hypnosis or acupuncture for cravings etc.?? It has been known to help smokers and many other things in which satiation centres of the brain are involved.
Anyway, thst's all I can think of, except to say we're all with you and again, I think you need to include as much as possible, your main support people in life, your boyfriend/partner, any close siblings, and friends.
No one blames you so rid yourself of the heavy guilt thing.
All the best...
Ruth
I'm not good at advice, because I haven't figured out my own stupid problems yet, but here goes anyway: I think you're going to have to change something else first before you can change your food/exercise frame of mind. I don't know what that change is, whether it's moving to a different place, getting a new job, a different car, or just driving to work a different route. Sometimes I get so stuck in the way things ARE right now that I simply can't imagine any other way. I can't see any path to change. And then some tiny thing will happen that alters my routine, and suddenly whole new worlds seem opened up, and I realize "why yes, I could do such-and-such a thing."
The more I read your blog the more I feel you are caring, considerate and fun loving person. That is why you give so much to your work and extra activities and have a great guy in your life. To me, that is the most important thing.
Stay strong and remember that if you can touch the hearts of people over the internet than your surely touching the hearts of the people in your life.
Vicky