Friday morning. In the interest of full disclosure, what did I do with the rest of my day after posting the previous message? I ate horribly. Why did I do that? Well, I knew I had a lunch out at a place that doesn't do healthy food so, rather than waste a DietToGo lunch, I decided to have the whole day off of plan. What was I thinking??? Actually, I know that I flat out wasn't thinking, and that was the problem. What to do differently next time? Waste the $5 lunch, Denise. To make a bad situation worse, I forgot my workout bag at home and got home too late to do a walk, so no exercise, either. I just took my blood sugar and it's nearly 200 this morning. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. This is just stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!!! I have this stinking disease under control if only I eat properly and get a little bit of exercise. Why? Why? Why? Do I want to lose my feet? Do I want to be blind, so that I can't see my beloved C and my cats? Do I want to die a slow, lingering death from heart disease? At the age of 50, if I'm lucky?

No, I don't.

OK, I'm back (had to get a little sobbing out of my system). I'm afraid that the commitment of this marathon training is getting under my skin where the subconscious thing that keeps me from eating properly lives. It's the place that pushes back every time I try to get out of this place that my body lives. I know this won't make sense to anyone else but I just have to get it out, in hopes that by writing it out loud I can figure it out, unmask it, and take away its power over me. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I want to be able to run, not just walk. I want to live! Whatever that subconscious thing is, it just needs to understand that I am stronger than it is and I want these things more than it wants to stop me. I can face whatever lies at the end of this road and I will face them strong, healthy, and whole.

Weeks until LA Marathon: 21
Weeks until Christmas: 10
Exercise yesterday: None


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