Today is the first day of the rest of my life...blah, blah, blah
Thursday morning. Alright now! I picked up my DietToGo delivery from UPS last night, and so, today the horrible eating stops (she says firmly). I mean, honestly, I feel absolutely horrible. Not just emotionally (which is true), but physically as well. I'm not sleeping well, I feel nauseated most of the time, and I have no energy. I am, truly, ready for this to be over and to go back to my normal routine: open vacuum sealed bag, pop in toaster and/or microwave, enjoy meal. These meals come with lots of fresh fruit and veggies, too, and are very well balanced nutritionally, so it's just a great way for someone as lazy as I am to eat what I'm supposed to. It also saves me a ton of money because the meals are a lot cheaper than eating fast food or in the VLSCI cafeteria. I'm going to try to drink 96oz of water today, too, just to speed along the flushing out of all of the evil things I've put into my poor body for the last nine days. Last, but not least, I am going to try to get down to the gym tonight for an hour of hill training, although I'm not going to push it if it hurts too much. I'm supposed to do 10 miles this weekend with the RoadRunners, though, so I'd better find out before then if I'm going to have to drop out of the training or not. I am going to be highly annoyed with myself if I've sabotaged this thing after putting so much time and energy into it!
Moving right along, C and I had an emotionally charged discussion yesterday morning which has stirred up a lot of old issues for me. It was all about my fear and loathing of any sort of emotional confrontation. This can include even the simplest discussion if it has the potential of upsetting the other participant(s). Ever since I can remember, back into the deepest parts of my childhood, I have avoided any and all situations where there was anger or frustration or any negative emotion. To this day, even if I simply think about being in such a situation, my stomach knots, my body tenses, and I go into avoidance mode. This little foible of mine has made certain parts of my job as a manager very trying for me and, in fact, I've actually gone to great lengths in the past just to avoid being put into situations where I have no choice but to confront one of my team members head on. In my personal life, one of the techniques I use to avoid being involved in any kind of conflict is to cover up any negative emotions I feel. For instance, if someone hurts my feelings, I do my very best to pretend that it didn't happen and just shut myself off until it passes. This is, unfortunately, anathema for C, who feels that we need to be completely honest and open with one another. I have to say here that my covering up has worked exceptionally well with almost everyone I've ever encountered, with the exception of my mother (who can spot when I'm upset from 100 miles away, which is unnerving) and C. The discussion yesterday started as I was driving to work, continued on C's lunch break, and finished (temporarily, I fear) as C drove home from work. I know that I need to deal with this. I really dislike the powerless way that I feel whenever someone I'm talking to gets angry. Dr Karen and I started discussing this a really long time ago and she did make some suggestions, but I think it warrants further investigation, especially because I can tell that C is not going to let it drop and I can't take the way that these discussions are making me feel. One thing at a time, though, and I've got my to do list pretty full just with trying to get back to a healthy lifestyle, so this is going to have to go back burner for a little while.
Weeks until LA Marathon: 22 (I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten about or dropped this, didn't you??? HA!)
Weeks until Christmas: 11
Exercise yesterday: None, but I'm hoping to reverse that trend today