And now for something completely different!

Friday afternoon. Does anyone remember when this journal used to be about my efforts at losing weight and creating a healthy life? No? Not surprising, really, given that it's been months since I did anything more than pay lip service to the idea of focusing on my health. Oh, I've done plenty of moaning about "why can't I seem to do this?" and "I think I've got it this time!", but no real action has resulted. Happily, that situation seems to have, rather miraculously, resolved itself.

The way that it all came about is rather interesting. Chris and I were talking on the phone, as we do every morning, when it came to me, all at once, that the reason I'd been restless, unable to concentrate, feeling so lethargic that just putting my dishes in the sink was too much (much less washing them or putting them in the dishwasher), and eating everything in sight wasn't that I was a flake or didn't have willpower or anything like that, it was because I was depressed. Not in the "gosh, I don't feel like doing anything today" kind of way, but in the "if I didn't have to go to work, I'd never get out of bed because there's just no reason to bother" kind of way. I'm amazed, really, that it took me almost three months to make the connection, because I've been here before. After my divorce, I sank into a depression so bad that I re-gained 110 pounds I'd carefully lost, dropped contact with all of my friends, nearly lost my job because I couldn't focus on anything at work, and didn't even acknowledge my mom on Mother's Day. It was 18 months of sheer torture, and I pulled myself out by sheer force of will. I didn't know the name for what I had at the time, but I've figured it out since, and I recognize enough of the signs to know that's where I'm headed if I don't make major changes.

It was amazing, once I realized that it wasn't laziness that was keeping me from eating properly and getting the exercise I need, how easy it was to get back on track. It's as though I couldn't get past the guilt I was feeling over my inability to do these things until I realized there was something real stopping me. Just that knowledge has (so far!) made all the difference. As soon as I got off of the phone with Chris, I put out my DietToGo lunch to take to work and it has been right on track since then. I also called Dr. Karen, my therapist, and made my first appointment since last September, just to check with her and make sure that I was on the right track again. The appointment went well and she says she'd like to see me in three weeks or so, just to make sure I'm still doing OK. The funny thing is that I suspect I will be.

The other realization that I had was that it was my car being broken into and my training gear being stolen that started this depression episode. Dr Karen says that she thinks the trauma associated with that event triggered a remembrance of something traumatic from my childhood, something strong enough that it actually pushed me right out of the happy, confident place I was in before it happened and into the scared, hopeless, angry place I've lived in since then.

I can't describe adequately the deep sense of relief I feel now. I am on day three of eating properly and am planning to hit the gym for a walk tonight after work. Even my boss remarked this morning that I looked "ready to kick some butt", and it's true. I've got such energy and lightness of spirit that I feel as though I've been reborn. I know that there will be huge challenges for me along the path to the place I want to be, and I'm ready for them.

I'm going to make some changes around here in the next few days to make it easier for me to keep track of my progress, health wise, so pardon any dust or leftover building materials you may stumble across.

Weeks until Rock and Roll Marathon: 19
Exercise yesterday: None
Goals / Rewards:
* Finish Rock and Roll Marathon in 7:45 or less / Buy this coat!
* Lose 11 pounds by March 9 / A massage at the Flamingo Hilton, where I'll be for a business trip that week!


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