Do you know the way to San Jose?

Thursday night. Well, dear readers, by this time tomorrow, I will be getting ready to tour the Winchester Mystery House with my friend, Tracy. Spooky good fun for Friday the 13th! In any case, I'll be gone until Tuesday, when I return to work, so do try to manage without me, won't you?

Recently, I've been an emotional eating machine. There are several things going on that have gotten me to this place, including work, and I'm not seeing a way out right now. After posting something about this on my eDiets support board, several have made the suggestion that I break things down a lot more instead of trying to get everything perfect all at once. To that end, I think I'm going to put the eating portion of things on the back burner for a bit and focus on getting my walking in five or six days a week, drinking at least 100oz of water each day, and eating a healthy breakfast six of seven days each week. Once the activity part becomes a little more routine, perhaps I'll add dinner to my list, then lunch. I'm just such an "all or nothing" perfectionist that I give up on even trying after a certain point because I know I won't be able to be perfect. You know what? I'll never be perfect and that's OK, I just need to keep on trying and doing the best that I can.

God, why do I beat myself up about this stuff? There are so many people out there willing to make me feel inadequate and useless that I certainly don't need to heap on, too.

I'm so tired. Tired of talking about it, tired of thinking about it, just plain tired. I want to have a life where I can feel "normal", whatever that is. Where I won't obsess over my imperfections and compulsively measure myself against others, always falling short. I want to get up, love my husband (one day, Lord, one day!), do my job, have fun, and feel OK...feel like I belong and am not some sort of subadequate freak of nature. Will that ever happen? Only time will tell. Until then, I just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to make today just a little bit better than yesterday, and dreaming.


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