Why and how and why again?

Sunday morning. I'm warning everyone in advance that this post is going to be angry, negative (in parts), self pitying, and frustrated. Don't worry, though, I'll write a normal post again, either later today or tomorrow, depending on when this mood lifts.

Do you know what the most pathetic feeling in the world is? It's when you're sitting on the couch, already feeling the GERD burning in your chest, yet still stuffing yourself with homemade enchiladas that aren't even that good, just to satisfy that need that burns inside you (somewhere near the GERD, I'm sure) to eat and eat and eat. This was my Friday night. I've been waking up in the middle of the night for the last week with the heartburn, shaking with nausea, sweating profusely, and loathing myself more than I have ever done before. Why didn't I stop when the heartburn started? I don't know. How can I feel so horrible and still do it? I don't know. Why can't I, a reasonably intelligent girl, an advanced dieter, and a diabetic, make this stop? Yup, you guessed it, I don't know.

All of that being said, however, I did manage to keep myself (mostly) under control yesterday. I was perfectly on plan all day until the very end when my need to binge got the better of me and I got up to make myself two "burritos": tortilla, refried black beans, diced tomatoes, sour cream, shredded cheese. They, too, weren't all that good, but I didn't get up and make myself more after I'd finished the two, which I think is progress, of a sort.

I also made a deal with Chris yesterday. If he'd go for a half hour walk, so would I. I kept my end of the bargain, although I broke my time up into two 15 minute walks instead of one long one. I still think it counts because I put the time in, it's just that, with this stomach, it really hurts my lower back when I walk for more than 15 minutes, so I'm trying to find a way to do what needs to be done without hurting my back so badly that I don't want to do it again. In any case, Chris kept his side of the bargain, too (unsurprising since he always keeps his promises), which makes me happier than anything I did yesterday. I worry so much about him and his health, and if, by walking myself, I can get him to take better care of himself, I'm willing to do what I wouldn't do for myself. Sad, but true.


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