Still here!

Wednesday morning. Not too much to report, disappointingly. I'm still here, still plugging along. Yesterday at work felt like the longest day of my life, but I maintained composure and managed to get through some important tasks, which felt good. Of course, I have pictures of Chris and the girls all over my office, which is tough; I'm just not ready to pack it all up and say it's over at this point.

Only one team member knows what's happened, and she made a comment that haunts me. She said something to the effect of, "I hadn't seen you happy -- truly happy -- in years. Since you met Chris, you just glow with happiness." She's right, honestly. It wasn't that I was unhappy prior to Chris, because I wasn't. I had a good life, not as exciting as I'd have liked, but it was OK. I was doing well on my fitness plan, seeing changes, feeling good about that. There was something missing, though, something to take my life from satisfying to wonderful, and that something was Chris.

What Chris brought to my life was joy, grace, and an absolute certainty that I deserved the love he gave me and that I was enjoying it (and reciprocating) to the fullest. I never, not for a single moment, doubted how he felt about me, never worried that I'd have my heart broken again by another faithless man I'd foolishly trusted. This man was, and is, faithful, strong, and honest. I am a strong-willed woman and I've overpowered many of the men I've been with in the past. Such was not the case with Chris, something which eventually led me to the decision to end things, and which is now bringing with it some of my deepest regrets. Will my willfulness keep me alone forever? Wasn't my ex-husband's inability to stand up to me one of the reasons I ended our marriage? What do I want? Am I some sort of commitment phobic dinosaur, destined to be alone forever?

On the weight loss front, things are not going well, either. After promising Chris that I'd take care of myself and get on track with my fitness, I've done just the opposite since Sunday night's debacle. When I eat (and I've not been doing that regularly enough), it's all junk. Nothing sounds good, nothing tastes good, and I can't even be bothered to have a full fledged binge. Walking to the car or to the shower is nearly too much effort right now, much less getting into my workout gear, getting in the car, and going somewhere to walk. I just want to curl up and make it all go away -- work, the trip I'm supposed to take this weekend (to Phoenix for Spring Training baseball), exercise, fitness, just everything.

Add to all of this the facts that I think TTOM is starting and that three people on the Fit portal gave me only four stars out of five but didn't leave any comments as to how I could improve, and you've got the beginnings of a super duper Wednesday.


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