Taking the long way to get right back where I started
Saturday night. When I started this site nearly a year ago, I was so unhappy. Unhappy with my life, unhappy with myself, and unhappy with the world because I thought I deserved better. I poured all of my musings and explorations out here, where it was safe and I could be totally candid, without fear of what anyone would think of me. I have the strangest sense of deja vu.
So, 351 days later, what's changed? Everything and then nothing. On the everything end, I was training for a marathon, getting strong, feeling strong and, more importantly, feeling so happy with myself. I not only knew I could do anything, I was making a lifelong dream come true. Now? Now I sit on the couch feeling sorry for myself and wondering where that girl went. I've come full circle, back to being unhappy, but this time there's a twist, and it's a fairly significant one. I'm not unhappy with Life, I'm unhappy with myself for the way I've been living it.
I've been given talent and ambition and I'm using it as a cushion while I lounge around letting precious moments drift past me. My God, have the suffering and deaths of so many friends and loved ones meant so little to me that I can't see what a huge insult it is to them, to everyone who's ever lived life fully and had it snatched from them, that I, who have this gift and this potential, am doing balls all with it? I'm more than this, so much more, and it's time that I not only remembered that, but honored it in the best way and the only way that matters.
In "Weight Loss as a Spiritual Journey", which I mentioned earlier this week, Dr. Anderson talks about living life "large". No, he's not talking about the size of your body, although that happens to be true of me at the moment, but rather, taking life by the horns, living it to the fullest, reaching for your dreams, no matter how daunting, and making things happen. He issues a challenge to the reader, something to the effect of writing down all of the ways that you're living a small life and limiting yourself needlessly, then taking action to rectify those situations. My list is not small, friends, and I don't know how long it will take me to get through it, but I promise you that I'm not just going to sit around, unhappy. There's a whole, huge world out there and it's time I got better acquainted with it.