Time to say goodbye
Wednesday afternoon. I had an epiphany in the shower this morning (perhaps I should try bathing more often?) and I think I've resolved my lingering doubts about whether I've made the right decision or whether I should try to fix things with Chris. The revelation, and it's silly, honestly, because I've known this all along but just never made the connection, is that the things I want Chris to compromise on are part of his core being and, as such, it would stretch him to the point of breaking for me to even ask him to give on them. I can't ask him to change and I can't live with our relationship given those attributes, so the decision that I made on Sunday was the right one, no matter the regrets I'm dealing with now.
* I regret that we won't watch our children grow up and be able to love them and nurture them and help them be the very best they can be
* I regret that his won't be the face I see waiting for me as I walk down the aisle one day
* I regret that I will never hear his beautiful, melodious voice tell me, "I love you, Sweetheart"
* I regret that I will never see his amazing brown eyes twinkle as his wondrous laugh booms out
* I regret that I will not be able to spend another afternoon laughing and listening to his family telling stories
* I regret that I will never be safely wrapped in his strong arms again
* I regret that I have hurt a wonderful man, his children, and his family
* I regret that I will not be able to see how his life's story turns out
* I regret that I am not the woman he needs although I am the woman he wants
I don't regret all of the times I told him that I loved him, because they were all true, or the time that we spent together, or the degree to which I gave him my heart, or even the fact that, now, I have yet another unsuccessful relationship to my name. I gave it my all, I tried, and I opened myself in ways I hadn't been willing to prior to meeting Chris.
It would be easy to write this off as another failure for me, but I won't stand for that. Nothing as beautiful as Chris and I together can ever be considered a failure. I wouldn't trade a minute of the pain I'm feeling now for anything I've experienced in the last 10 months. Chris taught me so much about myself, he tried desperately to get me to love myself, and he gave me the complete, unwavering love of a man secure in who he is and what he wants. I am a better woman because he loved me and I desperately hope that, one day, he will feel the same way about me.
I love you, Sweetheart. Good bye.