What have I done???

Monday morning. I have either taken the first step toward a braver new world or made the most terrible, crushing mistake of my life. I broke up with Chris last night. I had reasons, still do, but, right up until the phone rang and it was him, I was still vascillating. We spent 90 minutes on the phone with me crying and apologizing for doing this to him and him just sitting there, stunned, speechless, and quietly crying. I had reasons -- rational, reasonable all -- but I didn't think about what my life would be like without him. Now, I'm sitting in my pajamas on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably and wondering what I've done.

I love him, and he loves me, and that ought to be enough, oughtn't it? Who cares if we don't agree on some pretty fundamental issues? I mean, if Carville and Matalin can manage, why not us? The geographic challenge? Surely true love could overcome that? The fact that he doesn't care about what's going on in the world beyond his own doorstep? Why should that bother me so much? So what if his interpretation of the Bible is more fundamental than mine is? He loves me and he wouldn't care if I were an athiest, because what he loves is my essential self, not the outward trappings.

I had some idea that, in order to go forth and live my authentic life, as I'd written in my last entry, that I had to do so unencumbered, but is that true? Do I really have to be all alone in the world to allow myself to be the woman that I want to be? Oh my God, what kind of victory is it going to be if I have this all figured out, fitness, health, achievements, and no one in my life to share it with?

What have I done???


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