What's going on?

Wednesday morning. It's not a particularly good morning, I warn you in advance, in case you'd like to skip to your next read right now. (I'll wait.) OK, if you're still reading, you're a brave soul and I applaud and appreciate your willingness to brave what is probably going to be a whiny rant.

I am so unhappy with myself right now. I was going to say "angry", but then I decided that connoted negativity which, while true, is something I'm trying to avoid. You know what, though? It's how I feel, so I'm going to say it: I'm so angry with myself right now. Yes, I am! I know I shouldn't beat myself up for being human but it's how I feel and that's what this journal is supposed to be about - my feelings - so there it is. I'm angry and frustrated and scared and fed up and confused and tired, all at once.

What's going on to make me feel this way?

1. I haven't gone for one of my walks since Saturday night. Sunday night I made the excuse that I was waiting for a call from a friend, but I could have gone and just talked to him when I got home. Monday night I left work so late that I didn't get to eat until nearly 7pm and I had to pick up my meals for this week before 9pm, and since my walk with warm up and cooldown is nearly an hour now, I didn't have time to fit it in at 8pm (an hour after eating). Last night? There wasn't any excuse last night, I just simply didn't want to do it because it's such a big commitment. And there, at the heart of things, is why I didn't walk Sunday or Monday nights, either. Fifty minutes (including warm up and cooldown) is, especially for a fat girl like me, such a long time to be exercising that it's got me spooked and running (not literally - don't I wish?) for the hills. I wondered how long it would take for my "flight or flight" reflex to kick in and I think I have my answer now.

2. Both Monday night (while picking up my meals from the yogurt shop) and last night, I've not only not taken my walk, I've compounded the sin by substituting a cup of ice cream in its place. Not nonfat, no sugar ice cream, mind you, just the regular, old fashioned, pack-more-fat-on-your-already-huge-belly kind. Why? Why, why, why, why, WHY???

3. I haven't taken my blood sugar since Sunday morning when, not surprisingly, it was very close to perfect. Heck, I'd been eating right on plan and exercising for the previous four nights, so of course it was good. Since then? Yeah, you can see why I'm not even bothering to find out how bad it is.

On the positive side? I did weigh myself yesterday in hopes of seeing a higher number and snapping myself out of the stupid funk I'm in, only to find that I'd lost a little bit and am at 235 (or was yesterday morning before my second ice cream meltdown). That means that I've lost 27 pounds from my high weight in March and 21 pounds from my starting point two years ago, which is all that I'm giving myself credit for on my Charm Bracelet Challenge. (I got a gold charm bracelet for the first 10 pounds and one charm for every 10 pounds after that.) So, as of yesterday, I've earned the right to wear the charm bracelet I've had since 2002 and been unable to wear for nearly two years now.

I must snap myself out of this funk, like now. This cannot go on, I will not allow it to go on. If I have to fall back a week and walk for 35 minutes, 24 seconds for another week, so be it. If I have to hold at that level indefinitely, so be it. What will not happen is that I stop my exercising because I'm freaking out about the time commitment - that is just not acceptable. The Ten Percent Challenge wasn't about my weight or fitting into cuter clothes or even feeling better about myself, it was - and is - about my health, plain and simple, and I'm right on the cusp of having my blood sugar under tight control. Nothing - nothing - can be allowed to derail that effort. Nothing.


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