Two hundred fifty pounds

Tuesday afternoon. Well, I took the plunge this morning and it wasn't pretty. I have officially gained back all but six of the pounds I lost from June 04 to January 05 - 50 pounds since March. I'm not happy about it although I'm not disconsolate, either. Mostly I'm worried that I still don't know what helped me put it all back on or what I will do differently the next time to make sure this doesn't happen again. Frankly, I don't really even want to start making the healthy changes and sacrifices that I know I need to make until I've got a grip on the whole maintenance side of things because it is so incredibly painful to fail at something so important to me. Not fail to lose the weight - that part is pretty easy once I get my head in the right place - but fail to keep it off and keep up the healthy habits I work so hard to build. This is the third time it's all fallen apart for me and I've regained at least 50 pounds in the last six years and that's more than enough.

So, you might be asking yourself, what steps am I going to take the start addressing this little issue? Glad you asked! I'm going to contact our EAP provider to get a referral to an eating disorders specialist so that I can start talking with someone that does this professionally. Everything else really has to come after that - nutritionist, personal trainer, whatever - so this is the first step for me. I've actually called to get a list of mental health professionals in the covered network who specialize in eating disorders, so I just need to call to make an appointment.

I'm also looking into the Lighter Way workshops at Eight Elements fitness center. From what they say on the website, they've had good results and I really like the mind-body connection they espouse because I do well when I focus on my body and its needs rather than external forces for my health and fitness motivation. Besides, what's not to like about incorporating Yoga into your weight loss efforts?

Basically, we shall see how it all shakes out. Something must change because, although I'm deliriously happy with myself, my life, my job, and TCB, the weight will kill me eventually if I don't get it under control. Isn't it ironic that I lost so much weight before I even had anything real in my life to want to live for and then gained it all back once I'd found so many wonderful things to want to be here for?

Comments

Alda said…
I have unshakable belief in the 12 steps. Have you tried OA??
Anonymous said…
Did you ever watch G.I. Joe as a kid? They had the educational tidbits at the end about not taking candy from strangers or looking both ways before crossing the street. And they would always end it with "...And knowing is half the battle!!!" I think this applies here. You know what needs to be done, so you are half way there!!!!
Michele said…
Do you know very brave you are simply for writing this post? It is difficult to admit to ourselves, let alone others, that we failed at something - it is even braver to KNOW that we must try again.

You truly are inspirational. That is something that you will never loose and something that I admire so very much about you.

Take care of you - it is the only you that you have (yes, corny but true).

Hugs.
Anonymous said…
Denise, you are one hell of a lady. So gutsy. I admire you and your honesty so much and am SO SO glad you are in such a happy place ;)
Tiffany said…
I'm glad to hear that you've decided to start working on being more healthy again! You can be both happy and healthy. And maybe more of both when in combination!!

Good luck with these new first steps!!
Shannin said…
Denise - Great post, and I empathize with the regaining of weight that you worked so hard to lose. I think you're taking some very positive steps and will be rooting for you!
M@rla said…
Denise, I think it's a good idea to look for some outside help. That shows you're willing to do what you need to, you're not drawing a line and saying "I want to lose weight, but not THAT much."

Now I just have to figure out what my line is!
Good luck finding what will work for you in the long term!

I am finally back on track, having gotten the news that my cholesterol numbers are "borderline high." I've been eating better for a couple of weeks and have worked out every day this week! We'll see if I can keep it up.
EMLB said…
Good luck with your quest, Denise. I went through the same thing last year.... I realized -- after a modicum of weight loss success and then reverting to bad old habits right before my wedding -- that I fucking KNOW how to have a healthy lifestyle, what to eat, how much to exercise etc, but that wasn't enough to make me stop eating. Since December I have seen a therapist who specializes in compulsive overeating, and I have done Overeaters Anonymous for support as well. Addressing the emotional eating ( and for me, it's ALL emotional eating) has been the key for me. I wish you luck and continued success in all of your endeavors. I continue to be inspired by your story.
ABC said…
I think it's awesome how openly and honestly you look at dealing with your weight; I need to take some valuable lessons from you. I have a weight loss blog all set up, but I'm so scared to type even the first word for fear of what I may reveal, to others and especially to myself. I need to shine those unflattering dressing room lights on myself and lay it all on the line. You give me the courage to be honest, and though I'm not there yet, I will make myself be. Thank you, Denise.
yvonne said…
I've never heard of the Lighter Way or the Eight Elements place. It sounds so zen . . .
Anonymous said…
Ditto, on the bravery it took to face the scale again and write this post.

This is such an important topic for so many of us who have yo-yoed tons and hope it will stick each time.

I think going to an eating disorder specialist is a great idea. I wish you great luck with that and look forward to hearing about what you learn (so I can learn from that).

Thank you!
Anonymous said…
Very touching post. It's ironic because I have been thinking this week that I need professional help also. Actually I have known this forever. I can be so gung ho, and then I fall into a depression for a week, and the cycle starts again. All the best to you.
Mary Jo said…
I don't really even want to start making the healthy changes and sacrifices that I know I need to make

I know exactly how you feel on that. I feel the SAME exact way every day.
Anonymous said…
I recently did the same thing, Denise - lost 40 pounds, kept it off for almost a year, and then gained it back when my life became really stressful. I've also recently decided that I have to start taking care of myself again. I wish you much success.
Anonymous said…
Thank you for this. I find myself back at the beginning, too, trying to lose all the weight I lost a few years ago and then a lot more. I was so sure I had changed my habits for good that time. And I'm not really sure what happened...gradual increase in stress level...too many indulgences and too many skipped workouts...an injury...none of it matters and yet it does. It helps to know others have to keep trying, too.
theaddict said…
The first thing that came to my mind when I read this was (Oh God please don't let me regain my weight,) and the 2nd? Well, it was that I am not surprised that you gained weight during a time of happiness. Sometimes emotional eating is not just about when we are feeling sad. I started to lose weight when I finally found happiness within myself and with my mr. ralph, but that doesn't mean that it can't happen the opposite way too. I wish you all the best in searching for ways to stop this cycle. The fact that you are looking shows a great deal about you, and you definately aren't giving up. That is a good thing babe.
Kris said…
Hi Denise!
I think it's actually pretty common to regain weight when there's so much going on in your life (good or bad.) I know for me personally, when I lose focus on the whole eating healthy and exercising thing it spells trouble. (It's something I am trying to deal with myself--once again.) Anyhow, I wanted to let you know that you continue to inspire me and as always I am rooting for ya.
Kris
Anonymous said…
So you're starting over and have already lost six pounds! You're ahead of the game already.
Plantation said…
You may have gained most of it back but I find your frame of mind refreshing and hopeful. I'm glad you see a smile on your face.
Argy said…
I don't know where to start...you have been through so much since I left!!!

First and foremost congratulation on the new job!!! That was super news!!!

Second, I am really delighted to see that you and TCB are doing well together!

And as far as the weight is concerned, I am really happy that you are addressing the issues behind it. I have lost around 90 pounds twice in my life before. The last time I gained back 130! But this time is different for me only because of therapy and only because I have the knowledge of what caused me to overeat, binge, and give up.

You worth so much Denise, go out and get it my friend!
cor said…
Sounds like there's quite a surge of us 'recommitting' to our weight loss. good luck to you!
Anonymous said…
I wish you lots of luck with this. I think most of us fight this for most of our lives...at least I have. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

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