Still here

Wednesday afternoon. Other than telling you - yet again - how stressed and busy I am, I really have nothing to report. Alcott, the social worker, and I had a lovely conversation yesterday by the end of which he had his arms, nose, and mouth all pulled inside his t-shirt and was not talking. I can't go into the details except to say that I had to turn away several times because I was on the verge of tears. I went through 36 hours of training, stood in line at the DMV for my driving record printout, got finger printed with the California Department of Justice and the FBI, and now I'm making a 14-year-old utterly miserable. How swell!

Tonight is my first night "off" this week and I'm undecided about whether I ought to be productive - clean the house, do some laundry, etc - or just collapse on the sofa in a fetal position after eating enough food to make me stop thinking and feeling. I cried on the phone with TCB last night, not because of anything he'd said or done, just because of my sheer mental and emotional exhaustion and frustration.

I used to decry my lack of social life, worry about the fact that I wasn't making a difference and that my passing (when it happened) wouldn't be remarkable at all except for the fact that so few people were impacted. Be careful what you wish for, my friends. I am responsible for one fragile little boy's future...and the weight of that knowledge has kept me from finding respite from my worries for at least the last week. Even when I'm sleeping. Even when I'm with TCB and the kittens. Even when I'm bingeing. (Even when I'm not.)

How is it fair that this fabulous kid - straight A's, a natural leader by example, athletically gifted, kind, articulate, soft-hearted - is in such a sucky system? Why can't I wave a wand and fix everything so that he never has to feel any pain again? Why do we have to have conversations that leave him decimated and feeling hopeless about himself and his situation? His pain is more than I can bear, but bear it I must. I'm his CASA and that's my job. Even when I don't want to. Even when I'm not strong enough. Even when there's no one that fully understands how hard this is. Even when it makes me cry at my desk in the middle of the afternoon. He is my boy and I am his CASA and we will pull through this, together.

And I wonder why I try to eat away my stress!


Tiffany said…
And without you, Alcott likely would have no one who is exclusively looking out for his interests. He is very fortunate to have someone as committed as you are.

You are also fortunate in that you are capable of taking on such a great responsibility--although this is probably harder to feel in times like these, no doubt. From all that I've read, you are doing a good job and I'm sure that you will continue to do so!

I hope that your night off included some decent rest. You deserve it!
Anonymous said…
If only we could fix everything the world would be so much better for them. Sadly we can't. :(
Beatte said…
It sounds like you need some girlfriend roundtable time, or something! Do you have any things that you like to do that take your mind off troubles and cheer you up? For me, it's playing board games. When I'm feeling frustrated and blocked, I force my friends to play board games. (grin) Anything that takes your mind off of all the crapola for even an hour is gold.

I'm not just talking cuddling with TCB, as great as that is, but something active and frivolous that is fun to do.

If you want to talk about anything, I am an email away! ;)

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