What am I doing?

Thursday afternoon. Does anyone still remember when this was, primarily, a weight loss journal? Yea, me neither.

I stepped on the scales this morning and - lo and behold! - my complete lack of activity as regards being healthy has produced some great results: I now weight 260 pounds. That's only two pounds short of my all-time highest ever weight and 10 pounds more than a few weeks ago when I swore I was going to do something about this. The problem is (or one of the problems is) that depression makes me want to isolate myself and the last thing I want to do is have to pick up the phone (it seems to weigh a ton when I'm really down) to call and make an appointment with the therapist (which involves all of those ugly logistics). The second-to-last thing I want to do is walk into an 8am Saturday class full of people and try to do Yoga, Pilates, or NIA with them. I'm so fat right now that bending and twisting are a real chore. (I'm not going into details, but it's affecting my relationship with TCB, and that's not good.)

The worst part, though, isn't the day-to-day physical challenges of finding clothes that fit or bending over to pick things up when I drop them, it's the horrible way my body feels - especially in the morning and just before bed. I'm not sleeping well, I'm exhausted from hauling 120 extra pounds around on my 5'3" frame, and my body's just sick (literally) of the junk food with its accompanying lack of nutrition.

But wait, there's more! Emotionally, I cannot even express to you the way that I'm feeling about myself right now. It's odd, too, because I'm still able to separate the eating behavior from the rest of my life, so I'm not into complete self-loathing, but it's still just so painful. Why don't I just stop eating? Why don't I eat smaller portions? Why don't I exercise...even just a little??? What am I waiting for??? Heart attack? Stroke? Blindness? Renal failure???

I have this fabulous life, full of so much great stuff that it blows me away, and yet that's not enough to make me put my health ahead of stupid oral gratification? For TCB's sake, for Alcott's sake, for my parents' sake, for my friends' sake, for the love of my work...why won't I do this???


M@rla said…
Sweetie, you WILL do it. You CAN do it. It's just so damned hard to do, success is the exception, not the rule. But I know you can do this - you do everything else you need to do, and eventually you will find the key you need to do this. Keep going to your nutcracker and get the demons out of your head! Go to OA. Heck, try hypnosis and accupuncture - that might be just the thing.

Sending good thoughts your way!
Unknown said…
I second that, Marla! The road is rough, trust me I'm taking the first steps back myself but I know you can do it. And there will be days when you know you think you can't but just remember, each day is a new chance to start over.

Hugs and encouragement from the East Coast :)
Anonymous said…
You're in a tough place right now; I've been there, too, and it sucks. This whole weight loss journey isn't a straight line--it's a series of peaks and valleys. Sometimes we can do everything absolutely right and it all seems so effortless. Other times, it's impossible to even cook a single vegetable or go for a ten minute walk. You'll get through this as long as you keep moving forward. Don't be too hard on yourself or give up on yourself--you're worth the work.
Marisa said…

I've been visiting your blogs for some months now. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

I read your last post and had to "de-lurk" to tell you this: You have to do it for YOUR sake, because YOU want a healthy relationship with TCB, because YOU want to continue to support Alcott, ... I think you get the picture. It starts with you and you have to take care of yourself first, so that you can give your best to others. Best of luck. I am supporting you all the way.
Anonymous said…
I'm new to your blog, I linked to you from "tales of a bathroom scale," which I've been reading for some time.


Check me out - I share a lot of your weight issues. I topped out at 250 and got some horrifying cholesterol news before deciding it was time to do this FOR GOOD. My weight had affected every relationship I'd ever had (especially my relationship with myself).

You can do it.
Overcoming inertia is the hardest part of any challenge.
Take the first step.
You can do it.
Anonymous said…
Oh.. I feel your pain. I can't fit into ANY of pants -- except for my baggy fat jeans (which are now skintight).. A few bulges are okay - aren't they? The good thing about wearing them is that I can't eat much at all because there's no ROOM..

Hang in there and try not to be too hard on yourself.

I'm trying really hard not to beat up on myself.

I don't know that I'll ever be skinny but I'm trying to eat a little healthier and get some walking in everyday.

I'll be darned if I'm going to buy new pants a size up.. no way! I'll keep wearing my elastic waist prarie skirts -- it's doesn't get THAT cold in San Diego -- does it?


PLEASE call the therapist! You can do this, but you need some help. Do it for yourself and for TCB. And all your online friends! And your dad--remember the challenge?
Anonymous said…
Well You know that I think you are gorgeous and beautiful and fabulous just as you are at this very moment! I do understand that horrible feeling though. For some odd reason, I don't have it this week, but that is very rare. It is awful. All the various parts of it. Most notably when I noticed that carrying Bella around all the time and the up and down and up and down with picking her up (and down. Heh.) is starting to get hard. Or maybe I am just now starting to realize that it always was. Just last night merely seconds after she had crawled down from my lap, she came running back and lifted her arms up to me with this huge grin because she wanted me to pick her back up. I actually sighed and though "Uhhh. Again!" Then I immediately slapped the shit out of myself and felt gulty because oh my God! She is the best thing in the world!! Anyways, I know those feelings are miserable. Let's get rid of them. Have those great feelings of waking up in a thinner, healthy body and slipping into lovely clothes that fit so nicely. I know that you can do anything that you set your mind do! If it were easy, we would have all done it a long time ago. It's okay if harder takes longer. Much love! Carrie http://rdhdprincess.diaryland.com
(See, I remembered not to make you guess who I was this time!)
Argy said…
" For TCB's sake, for Alcott's sake, for my parents' sake, for my friends' sake, for the love of my work...why won't I do this???"

Perhaps doing this for others is tied up with their expectations and a hidden fear of yours that you will disappoint them?

Perhaps this depression is hitting so hard because of the same reason, feeling that you have disappoint all these wonderful and caring people?

Denise, you must take some time and look inside you and tell yourself what a wonderful person you are and how much you deserve to do this for YOU! Not for your parents, not for your bf, not for Alcott, just for gorgeous, wonderful, loving, smart, intelligent, witty, and superb YOU!!!

You know, almost any person who has a lot of weight to lose, has lost a great amount and has, at some point slip back. I have done it twice, losing between 70 to 100 pounds and regaining them.

This time I have managed to maintain what I have lost (though I still have about 40 pounds to lose) because I took a very serious decision. Instead of hurting bit by bit every day, I decided to dig deep in the pain and face it all at once. Therapy has been my tool and it gave me all the release of the tears and anger and sadness and depression I needed to finally decide and take care of myself for ME. Not my parents, not my husband, not my friends, not my career.

Make this phonecall darling. You deserve so much, and most of all, you deserve to release the sunshine you are made of and let her glow!

I love you!
Shannin said…
Denise - I am so sorry you are going through this rough patch, especially after the success you enjoyed earlier in the year. Please take the time to call a professional and do this for you. At some time the problem does become bigger than ourselves and you do have the determination to face this head on.

You know we're here for you...
Mia Goddess said…
I don't have words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know I'm still here, have always been here, and I'm one of your biggest fans. If my admiration and adoration were enough, you'd weigh about a hundred pounds!
Anonymous said…
All I can say Denise is you CAN do it, but you have to do it for YOU and no one else. Unfortunately getting the mojo to get on the roller coaster that is weight loss is hard. It has to be there in order to do it, and right now it's not there for you. It will come back...but in the meantime, I think you need to look at your food; you may not be able to lose right now...but maintaining is what you need to look at if you don't want to hit your all time high. Try to maintain until you get your mojo back. **hugs**
theaddict said…
I wish I could give you the magic answer. I have been where you are. It wasn't that long ago either. I was 220 (my personal highest) and very depressed. I didn't know what it would take for me to wake up. Back then it was moving. I moved to a new place and stared over and slowly regained control over my eating. We can't all do something that extreme, but the circumstances of my depression were strangling me in my surroundings. But seeing the therapist will help you begin to see what it will take for you too. I know you can do it. Give yourself a hug for me too.
La said…
Denise, as everyone else has said, you have to do this for yourself. And for someone who clearly does a lot of things for others, it's tough to admit you need help and that you can't just "snap out of it" of your own accord. It's tough when you are in the throes of depression to pick up the phone, but please draw on all the strength you have to do it.
Jocelyn said…
Denise, I can only echo what everyone here has said. Do it for yourself, you deserve it. My thoughts are with you. Joc.

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