And the award for Most Compulsive Person goes to...

Wednesday afternoon. My mom asked me if I could send her my rent money a couple of weeks early because they've got property taxes plus the IRS to worry about next month. (Note, my parents and I bought the condo together way back when but my credit was so awful that, when they decided to re-fi, I had to quick claim off, so now I pay them rent.) I told her I'd look and, knowing that I've got several thousand in pad in my account, see what I could send and when. Um, imagine my shock when I looked at my available balance online and saw "$0.00". (Thankfully not a number with a negative sign in front of it, but still.) Holy crapitola, how did I get there??? Oh yes, that would be through compulsive overbuying and paying for healthy, prepared meals that go to waste while I eat out or in the cafeteria at work each day. I have seriously blown through at least a thousand dollars in just stupid little obsessive purchases. Does this sound familiar? It certainly should!

Yes, just as I eat compulsively and regain weight while I'm at it, I buy compulsively and run up my debt while I'm at it. It's all bitter fruit from the same tree. Lord, how am I ever going to plug all of the holes in this dam of psychological junk? If I get the weight thing going, the spending goes out of control. When spending gets tight (like now), I want to eat through it. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I'm going to survive until pay day next Friday and the first thing I worry about is food. Dearie, the last thing you should be worrying about is food!!!

Then I had this realization (as I was driving through an awesome Mexican place for dinner a few nights ago - GAH!) that Alcott and Junior League are really just things I'm using to keep from having to deal with all of my junk. I grant you that I'm doing good things for others while I'm doing it, but they really are padding for me. I was so alone before they came along and, even though I was losing weight like a champion (or even because of that), I couldn't stand to be with my own thoughts for fear of...whatever. So I found a couple of things that keep me incredibly busy and I don't have to think about why I might be so compulsive about things that make me feel numb temporarily.

What am I so afraid of anyway? I don't remember anything hugely traumatic from my childhood. I mean, yes, my dad was really mean to me and made me cry and then left when I was five, but surely that can't be it? I mean, that's totally nothing and certainly nothing that ought to have such power over me. Everyone always has some deep, dark thing from their childhood that charts their difficult path, but I had a really great childhood after my parents divorced and I got my fabulous Daddy/stepdad. I've been to a therapist and we didn't uncover anything wretched or shocking...what is so wrong, Denise???

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