Let's hear it for the boy

Monday afternoon/evening. I bring a lot of my frustrations here...work, Junior League, my CASA work, and TCB stuff. My journal - this journal - exists primarily so that I can get the ugly stuff out of my heart and mind so that it doesn't fester and drive me past the brink of insanity with its awfulness. This is a good and useful thing and I am glad every day that I have this outlet.

What I sometimes forget to do is write down the good stuff. Like when I get something done here at VLSCI and it's done well and it just flows out of me and feels natural and right, and I wonder if anyone has ever been happier with their job. Or when I'm sitting with my co-chair-to-be at the Junior League Placement Fair last week, chatting about what we want to accomplish next year and how we can engage the committee even more than this year - fabulous stuff. There's the times when I see Alcott smile or repeat something I've told him that I thought he wasn't paying attention for, and my world just melts into an unbearably bright light with warmth flooding every nook and cranny. And then, every once in a while, I remember why I care so much for TCB, why I don't just throw my hands up in the air at the difficulty of romantic relationships of any sort and especially when there is physical distance between the involved parties, and why we are worth fighting for.

Friday afternoon I literally thought I could hold no more stress or frustration. I was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack the likes of which I've not seen in six years now. My chest was getting tight, breathing was an effort, I was pacing in my living room, and I just knew that something had to blow. There is only so much stuffing away that I can do before everything has to explode into pieces that are small enough for me to handle, and this was definitely the point. My Voices supervisor and I had a hour-long call and I was feeling backed into a corner with no good way out. I was very seriously contemplating resigning from the organization because I just couldn't live any kind of life with the kind of pressure I was feeling long term. I couldn't even cry I was so frustrated!

And then he called. No, not Alcott - he's a boy of few words, TCB. And when he quietly asked, "How was your day?," it all came out. Words, tears, frustration all tumbled forth in a disorganized heap and he just kept quietly asking easy questions and saying, "I see," while I worked through this horrible, terrible, no-good place that I'd put myself in. I think I thanked him, although I can't remember for sure. I know that I went forward afterwards to take positive, constructive steps in the right direction with the CASA stuff and that I had a new-found energy and drive that I hadn't had prior to our conversation.

After I'd made all of the calls I needed to make on the case, I made one last call, to TCB. I told him that I knew I didn't tell him how much I appreciated him often enough but that I needed him to know that he is a wonderful boyfriend and that I appreciate him so very much.

You've got to take the good with the bad...that's just the way that life (and dating) is.


Alda said…
How very true!
You're not alone in focusing on the negatives all the time - I do it, and I venture to say most people. But we must remember to nurture the good as well, because what you focus on has a tendency to grow.

TCB's call came at the exact right time, didn't it? How wonderful that you could share with him. Often that's all we need to make ourselves feel better.

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