Your world can change in a second

Saturday afternoon. I sit here, planning what I'll wear to the Junior League's Island Divine party tonight and I find myself strangely calm and centered for a change. Let me see if I can remember everything that's happened since last I posted...

1. Eating disorder group support - strange, but good. It was nice to hear someone talk about the urge to eat huge amounts of food, secretly and quickly, but it also feels as though I'm indulging in the disease...lolling around in it like a water buffalo and just getting myself coated in it. I don't want to focus on the disease, I want to focus on finding a different way to be. Not really sure if I'll go back.

2. Yesterday at work, I found out that a good friend and colleague "failed" his stress test and will be having an angiogram next week to see if they can clear the blockages that way or if he'll need to have heart surgery the following week. As I heard it, I immediately thought, "Oh my God, that could totally be me." That one moment of sheer panic was quickly replaced by, "Yes, it could be me, but there is still time to do something about it...still hope for me." Hope. With Hope, everything is possible.

3. Had a great time at my Lighter Way class this morning. The teacher talked about how emotional eating (or any compulsive behavior) is in response to some trauma we've experienced, even if that trauma is self-inflicted. For instance, things at work have me stressed out, things with TCB have me stressed out, and then I get a call from my Voices for Children supervisor because things with Alcott's family have gone badly - I reach my limit and start to panic. I panic and shake and feel the familiar rise of the panic attack just under the surface. What we talked about today was using the imagery of having a "strong me" available when this happens, to help and redirect me. The idea is that there's this other me - strong, capable, self-assured - who can step in when the everyday me can't handle something on my own. Sounds freaky when you write it down, but it really is pretty powerful.

4. Got to spend some quality time with Alcott last night and this morning. He played in his first Varsity basketball game today...and he's only a freshman - you cannot imagine how proud I was as he scored his first two points on the Varsity team. Well, perhaps you can! I am just so proud of that young man and how he handles himself and that feeling just fills and warms me.

OK, enough procrastinating. I've got to be ready so that TCB and I can get to Island Divine by just after 4pm - there's food and wine tastings just waiting for us at the VIP tent!!!


theaddict said…
I am starting to think a support group of some kind may be a good thing for me too...
Don't give up on the support group just yet...someone you meet may have a strategy that works for you and it may be worth sloughing off all the other wallowing vibes.

Hope your friend is okay. There is still hope there. I had a mild heart attack 8 weeks ago and had a stent put in 1 clogged artery. I passed the 1st post-op stress test very well and plan on acing the 2nd one I have tomorrow!!! I've worked hard...I've walked a mile every day for the last 5 weeks!
Life goes on with hope.
I'm glad you feel there is hope for you too.

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