If I can't see it then it's not there

Thursday evening. Last night, I talked to Gloria about how tough the past few days have been, about the stress, the bingeing, the whole meal deal. She asked me to talk about my dad and why he keeps coming up in our hypno sessions and I came up with the fact that he always seemed to me to be angry and so I've blocked anger in as many forms as possible from my life ever since. I avoid people that get angry and yell. I don't express my own anger. If I run into someone who is angry or people who are yelling at each other on TV, I change the channel, quickly. The block is working like a charm. Except for the fact that I still feel the anger, I just don't express it. Gloria explained that, when you go into anger with a desire to heal rather than wanting to wound the person you're angry with, your intention will ensure that things work out as they're meant to. I'm pretty sure that my dad never thought much about his intention when he yelled, he just wanted whatever he wanted and he wanted it quickly. That's definitely not an intention to heal.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Not asserting myself when people at work take advantage of my good nature and sympathetic eat. Not asserting myself or expressing my anger when my boss just expects miracles and then never really shows appreciation. I feel the anger, I feel the frustration, I just don't express them, and it's killing me. Bite by bite, as I try to numb away the pain of continued trauma to myself, I'm getting closer to dying. Is it any wonder I fight with depression all the time???

Oh, and when I talked to Gloria about my planned activity goal, she suggested making a mini goal (since the original goal is probably not very attainable at this point). So, my mini goal for the next month is to get 30 minutes of planned activity at least twice a week. Yes, that's a long way from where I want to be, but it's also a fair pace from where I am now!