If I didn't have a potluck, I'd have no luck at all

Tuesday morning. One of the girls at work is due to have her baby any time now (due date is at the end of the month), so we're throwing a potluck/farewell for her today. (She didn't want a shower so there will be no decorations, no games, just food.) I have a bad feeling that this team is equally good at home cooking as my last team, so there will be lots of good stuff to eat. Oh, well, I'm not worrying and will simply focus on not bingeing.

No activity as yet, but it's really more because of all of the other activities going on. Meetings, baseball games, precious time with Alcott and his siblings, and tonight a massage (what a blessing!) have really tied up my time that is not spent working. Oh yes, and the heat that is sitting on San Diego like a press. Thankfully, TCB and I went shopping Sunday and found what is probably the very last portable air conditioner in the area, so at least it's bearable in my condo now. Well, I'm baking the world-famous Chili Relleno Casserole in my oven at this point, but I cranked the AC up before I started pre-heating and it's doing beautifully.

Work really sucks right now. It's not anything new, really, I'm just feeling it more intensely right now for some reason. Gloria, my weight loss teacher/hypnotherapist, says that sensitive people (that would be me) feel things more accutely and that, every time I let someone at work take liberties with my time or energy or whatever, that I'm betraying myself. Over time, those betrayals add up and I eat to stuff away the pain of having betrayed myself. I watched it happen yesterday: an employee camped out in my office to wait for me after a meeting and I could feel a tightness in my chest as soon as I saw her. I knew that she'd need me to listen, to help her process through some difficulty she was feeling, and I just didn't have the energy for myself, much less enough to give to her, but I still went in there and sat through 40 minutes of it. My team needs me, the project teams I'm on need me, the other managers need me (not as much and not in the same way, thankfully), and my boss needs me whenever there's work to do. And when do I get a "thank you"? I don't. Never. Not from my employees when they walk into my office and get me involved in whatever turmoil they want to resolve. Not from my boss who I seldom see unless there's a problem and who can't even be bothered to look up from his Blueberry for two minutes while I try to talk to him about things that I need from him.

And now, just this morning, I realized that The Depression is simmering just under the surface. I do not want to deal with this again but there is simply no other choice for me. I cannot give up and give in to it because I don't have time. Wait, how can I not have time for me??? What else is more important?

Is it any wonder that I binge?


FatMom said…
You know what's interesting? When you take control of your food...the rest of your life seems to get a huge amount of control over it, as well. For me, it's the whole feeling "out of control" that leads to binges. And binges lead to that "out of control" feeling. Crazy cycle! Best Wishes!
Brooke said…
It's such a hard thing, to choose ourselves, to set boundaries and then stick to them. To say no.

I have two tells. Whenever I'm feeling particularly taken advantage of, I start to get angry at my friends (!) for asking me places and then expecting me to show up. I have to sit myself down, figure out what my real priorities are, and what needs to go. Usually some dumb work thing, or something I've said yes to when I should have said no, gets cut, because I need time for myself (which includes time to go have fun with my friends). So that's one tell.

The other one is this: I'll get upset at something, realize that it probably seems trivial to the other person, and I'll say, "It doesn't matter." And when it truly doesn't matter, I get a twinge of "Oh I'm being sensitive again," and then it goes away. But when it DOES matter - in other words, when I'm betraying myself - I immediately feel worlds worse.

Like even I am not on my own side.

That feels horrible. I've been learning, over the last few years, to recognize when I'm not protecting myself, when I'm not standing up for myself, and forcing myself to stand up for myself. It's a good feeling. Very clean and strong.

Jenny Crusie (author) did this thing one time: she counted up the hours in her week and how she spent them. She was a teacher at the time. When she realized that she spent more time with the cheerleading team than she did with her own daughter, she bowed out of being the cheerleading coach, and that made all the difference. She just had to come to terms with how she was spending her time, and adjust accordingly. I love that story. It makes so much sense.
It's hard to say no to others, isn't it? And especially if it's ,ore or less part of your job, because we all want to please everybody! Must be a part of being a sensitive person! We don't want to rock the boat and we want everyone to like us.
Shannin said…
It wasn't too bad when we were in SB but it was awful once we got home. Ugh. I just stepped in to managing people again and can relate to what you're going through.

Sometimes it's just getting one thing "under control" at a time - pick the smallest thing and focus on that, then move to the next thing. I have to work at it, too, but it's the only way I can maintain my sanity.
Alda said…
I've always heard that when you feel victimized you need to set a boundary.

Sounds a lot easier than it actually is, though. Although it seems to get easier with every boundary set, probably because you feel stronger.
Robin said…
I remember reading a quote once that said something like people have control over you because YOU give them the power to.
It sounded better in the original but that's the message and I think it's quite true.

I'm not very assertive in certain situations although I am in others. It kind of depends. If a co-worker, who I didn't enjoy, sucked that much time out of me,I'd be pissed,just like you were. So,did you say anything to her? No...you punished yourself with food. Been there.Done that....well....still doing that when I'm not paying attention...lol.

One day,I wondered why I was so mad at myself. Why did I keep hurting myself with food? I was disappointed in myself for not being all that I thought I was supposed to be at this point in my life. I cried and cried.

Sometimes,I feel great about myself but sometimes,I am still disapointed. I do not binge nearly as much as I used to since my Pancreatitis/Diabetes episode this past November. Too much fat in my diet and I could be back in the hospital or dead. My binges tend to be too much fruit or maybe pretzels but a binge is still a binge. It means I don't have control over my emotions and I let the food take over. It's a work in progress,that's for sure.

Everytime I read one of your posts I just nod my head. The patterns are all the same.
I guess we have to keep positive thoughts,set boundaries so that people don't suck the life out of us and just be kind to ourselves like we are kind to others. Treat yourself like you'd treat a stranger. I bet that would be a greater kindness than you show yourself now.
Big hugs to you!
Plantation said…
Thank-yous in the workplace are extinct, I think. And it's such an easy thing to do. Work sux, let's face it. But it's only work deary, not life so don't let it get to you.

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