Why am I here?

Wednesday afternoon. The title of this post is not metaphysical or metaphorical, it's a straightforward question about why this site exists. Three (or so) years ago, when I started this site, it was with the idea that I would talk about my efforts to lose weight. I had no concept of the bigger picture of better health or dealing with my demons, I only wanted to figure out how to lose a bunch of weight, do so, and then never think about it again. I've come a long way emotionally since that time and I know that the journey never ends, that it's so much more than being skinny so that I'll like myself (because I already do!), and that changing the outside doesn't change anything on the inside by itself. And yet, I still need to lose this weight. And this journal is floating around not really doing myself or anyone else any good because I'm giving myself permission to not hold myself accountable. Yes, I have an eating disorder and it's going to take me some time to get where I want to go, but I'm 100% certain that I'll never get there if I don't start making concrete changes. Still, I don't want to get all militant and angry again, because that just leads to self-loathing which will eventually help me put it back on again. (Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt which is now too small!) So, what to do?

Here's what I'm thinking: I'm not clear enough on what I want to do (specifically) or why I want to do it. When this happens at work (not that it ever does!), I raise my hand and ask what we're trying to do - specifically, then we regroup and refocus. Upon reflection, I think I need to develop a Mission Statement for this little project I'm on. (I probably need a catchy project name, too...all the cool projects have nifty names.)

How's this? I want to lose enough weight to be considered "normal" on height/weight charts. While working on this project, I commit to not berate myself for being human and promise to see mistakes along the way to serve as lessons for the future, not reasons for regret. I want to heal my many fragments back into a happy, healthy whole.

Along those lines, I've pruned back my site template a bit. No need for miscellaneous distractions here, either: this is a site that deals with my weight loss/better health project and it needs to be to-the-point. Tomorrow, I'll post a specific goal that I will work on for the rest of the week; for now, I need to zip off for my appointment with Gloria.


chrissie said…
Can I just say that this is brilliant? It really is. It's hard, sometimes, to deal with weight when you look at it as a whole.

It's sort of (to use a bad metaphor) like cleaning up a horribly insanely messy room. You can look at it - the big picture and get frustrated and annoyed. You can make a plan of action and attack the room, trying to clean it all at once. That typically only works for Type A personality people, of which I am not.

Me? It's more like picking up things one at a time, cleaning up smaller pieces of the mess. Sure it'll take me a while to do it this way, but as I'm cleaning I might find somethings that I'd forgotten, fix some things that I thought were forever broken. And the result will still be a clean room. I just had to go about it with smaller goals and not really think too much about the huge mess in front of me - just the littler mess that I'm dealing with right now.

Good luck! I'm with you 111% (with the extra 11 because you're worth it!)
neca said…
Sounds like a lot of good changes are happening on the inside!

I read an e-book recently by Tom Venuto. In it he talks about setting long and short term goals, writing them as positive affirmations (e.g. not "I want to lose x pounds" but "I'm thankful I am a healthy weight of x".) He recommends we write, read, and say these suckers at least once a day. This realy plays into the concept of visualization you've already dicsussed, it makes you really figure out what you want to achieve, and it does so in a way that isn't punishing or disparaging. That sounds a lot like what you are looking to do!
FatMom said…
Excellent, D! I'm looking forward to the mission statement! Good for you!
FatMom said…
Excellent decision, D! I'm looking foward to the mission statement! Good for you!!
A good honing in on the issue and purpose but...that's not to say you shouldn't journal, either separately like on another blog or just a handwritten journal, about other life things like a lot of us do,for there is a purpose for that too.

It's your blog and your life, so you know best what to do with it. Sounds like you want to focus more on the original purpose and it can only help you so good luck with it!

Popular Posts