Answering the $100,000 question

Tuesday afternoon. Yes, I think I've found the answer to "the question". You know, the big question: Why can I not seem to lose weight even though I want to? Please, don't all rush toward me at once because there's plenty of wisdom to go around! Here's what I've come up's because I don't want to lose weight and be healthy as much as I want mashed potatoes. And, with that, I'm done.

OK, no, I'm not really done, but this has been quite the realization for me. I'm not really all that het up about losing weight. I've come to the point that I'm not hating myself for being fat, I'm forgiving past transgressions (and transgressors), and I'm doing some really good work on myself internally. The fact that I'm still bingeing every night and (primarily because of that) not getting any exercise just doesn't trouble me that much. It can't or else I'd be doing something about it. Possibly the internal work is causing some of the bingeing? I'm not sure, to be honest, but I'm tired of beating myself up about it and it's going to stop now.

Not losing weight, not eating correctly (bingeing), not getting any exercise...these things do not make me a bad person. They do not make me lazy or unmotivated. Alternatively, doing all of those things perfectly would not make me better, smarter, prettier, or more clever. This is all just one small piece of me and I need to stop obsessing about it and realize that it's not changing because I haven't made it a priority. That's a choice. That's MY choice.

UPDATED to add - I'm not saying that it's a good choice. I have Diabetes and have watched my father (also diabetic) go through heart surgery because of his poor eating and exercise habits. I know it's not a "good" lifestyle choice. What I'm saying is that I can't let it make me feel like a failure and get obsessed and depressed because I'm bingeing at night and not exercising. Pushing myself into depression over this will not get me anywhere good and, in fact, will only fuel the eating and lack of exercise. Yes, I want to be healthy and strong, I just don't want it as much as I want to sit on the big velvet chair after a stressful day at work and just completely numb out. No stress, no worries, just food and the air conditioning (or fan) and TV. Blessed relief.


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