Gah gah gah GRUMPY

Monday afternoon. Frowny face me. I have completed all but three of my team's reviews and that's a good feeling. I'm still grumpy.

I want to pick up some bad fast food, go home, and lie in the big velvet chair until the...whatever the heck I'm feeling...stops. But then I've told myself that I'll go to the 6:50pm Aquafit class at the Y. Aquafit or binge? Aquafit or binge?

OK, let's be logical. I'm a project manager at a high tech company so logic is part of my DNA. (Gag, seriously, no more reviews!) Anyway, logically, the binge will satisfy my emotions (not that I can identify what they are, but I know that they want me to binge) and soothe me out for at least an hour. I know that an hour doesn't sound like much, but it's such blessed relief from the usual sturm und drang going on in my heart and in my head. I just want to make it stop. I don't want to have to exercise. Not in a pool. Not out in the (sweaty) world. Not in the privacy of my own home with a DVD and my air conditioner. Nowhere. I don't want to move, I don't want to stop eating before I'm full, I don't want to stop bingeing because I know how lonely that feels. (Whoa, where the heck did that come from?)

What about not bingeing makes me feel lonely? Is it that food - too much, too greasy, too too - is my friend? It doesn't judge, it's always there, it helps me forget (temporarily) about my problems. Hmmm, perhaps that is it.

But, why would I feel in need of friends? I have TCB. Granted, he's 45 minutes away and not the greatest conversationalist on a chatty day, but he's still there. Honestly, though, he's not a friend in the sense of being able to just gab without thinking, without censoring. I have Tracy. Granted, she's an hour by plane and is dealing with a family situation, so we don't talk much, but still.

Wow, I really don't have any friend-friends, no wonder I'm lonely. I've always been a loner, though, even as a very young child. I don't make friends easily but I tell myself that it doesn't matter because I like being alone. Maybe that's not true.

Ugh, I'm making myself dizzy with this. I'll be back with more later.

UPDATE: Well, I didn't go to the Aquafit class because I remembered that I still haven't picked up a lock for the locker at the Y. Grr. What I did do, however, was come home and hit the treadmill for a 20 minute iFit workout. Not fun and not tremendously fat shattering, but it's not a binge, so I'll take it.


Popular Posts