Moving a big rock takes a lot of energy

Friday afternoon. After my session with Gloria, my weight loss teacher/guide, I feel a lot better and have a clearer vision of what's going on internally with me. She explained to me that there's a lot of negative energy built up in my poor body because of the years of abuse I've put the poor thing through and that releasing that energy isn't something that is going to happen overnight. I'm releasing little bits of it at a time right now and you can definitely see the difference in the way that I'm thinking about myself and acting outwardly. You cannot, however, see it (yet) in the number on the scale or the way that my clothes fit. That will come with time and I'm OK with that. Yes, I could force myself to follow a strict diet and do the 90 minutes of daily exercise that's recommended for the obese person wanting to lose weight (that would be me), but that won't deal with the underlying reasons I've been eating the way I have and I'll end up back here again anyway, so we'll just skip that part of the program.

It's still just so odd to think that weight is a secondary symptom of a much more fundamental issue inside, but it's true. The weight and eating is an outward manifestation of the (self) hatred and fear that keeps me locked up inside myself. Gloria and I talked about the different levels on which this fear can be approached: physically (through exercise - definitely something I want to work on), emotionally (can't even go there because that's where my biggest block is), mentally (that's what she and I are doing together with the hypnotherapy), and spiritually. Ah yes, spirituality. I've always had this love/fear relationship with my spiritual side. I think it stems from the fact that my soul just expands so much when I'm in church and/or engaged in thoughts about God that it scares me. Something so big, so terrifies me. And yet I'm drawn there, too. Gloria talks about "The Course in Miracles" as a text to think about when approaching the spiritual portion of our work together, so I'm considering an Amazon purchase.

Part of me just wants it "over" (as if such a concept really exists) and the other part knows that I'm taking steps along the right path and that patience and persistence will take me where I want to go.


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