That's messed up!

Thursday morning. The title refers to the state of things in Chez Denise at this moment. How wretched must things be that I am going to have to call the house cleaning service and tell them I can't have them come tomorrow because my house (in particular my bedroom) is too messy. No, not dirty...messy. You can't see the floor in my room for the dirty clothes. Crap everywhere. I'd love to say that it's because I'm too busy, but that would be a lie and I try to avoid those. Gah!

I met with Gloria last night and it was another good session. For one thing, I'm at my lowest weight since I started with her, which is nice but did not give me the jolt of pleasure that I used to get in the Bad Old Days when I was a prize-winning food restricter/rabid exerciser. Now, the number on the scale is just a nuisance because I know that it could totally drag me back into that ugly whirlwind of "yeah, look how much weight I lost (I'm going to be even more militant in my food restriction and working out so that I can see more of this)"/"Omigosh, I gained weight? How could that happen when I've been such a good restricter (let's eat something since I've obviously "blown" it)?" Anyway, we talked about what's been going on with this site over the past week and she gave me her take on it. Basically, she talked about the three ways that disordered thinking folks (that would be me) will react to traumatic situations: flight, fight, or freeze. I use food to flee from trauma (doesn't work, of course, but that's what I do). At some point, once I can't stand the fleeing anymore, I turn to the fighting impulse, which is when I turn on myself and start restricting my food and exercising compulsively. Strictly controlling my food is an attack on myself because it implies that my body doesn't know when to eat, what to eat, and when to stop. And, here's the thing, I do know those things when I trust myself and am not so focused on the number on the scale that I get obsessed with losing weight quickly and second-guess myself. Anyway, I'm still on the right path even with the emotional challenges I'm dealing with right now (work stuff, so I'm not going to discuss here) and that makes me happy.

More later, I need to get ready for work!


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