The secret life

Wednesday evening. I've got about 30 minutes until I leave for my appointment with Gloria. I wish that I could say that things are going swimmingly and that I'm going to aquafit classes as I committed to doing (I'm not) and eating reasonable amounts of at least somewhat healthy foods instead of bingeing (I'm still bingeing and the health factor is almost negligible in my food). I want to be happy and healthy and it just isn't happening.

I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to constantly fight with myself about what I want (health) and what I want, too (food, sloth, laziness). I don't want to diet and exercise at all, so no more worries about my turning on myself and restricting - that's not anywhere on the horizon. I feel overwhelmed and underperforming, all at once.

Work stresses me out because I know there's something else I'm supposed to be doing and yet I'm still here and pretending that this is my life's work. I don't care if I'm good at it...managing other people is ripping my soul out because I'm so flippin' sensitive that I just absorb it all and eventually (like now) I just reek of everyone's problems and foibles. Don't I have enough of my own???

TCB stresses me out because we have so many issues just barely under the surface (some aren't even buried) that we don't acknowledge. We don't communicate, at least not on any meaningful level. I am scared that we're not spending enough time together and also scared that, if we spend more time around each other that we won't last. So many things that we need to talk about: religion/spirituality (I have no idea what he believes), money (we both spend it like it's going out of style), physical affection separate from sex (doesn't happen and it makes me feel completely cold), and where we want to go when we grow up (I won't shack up and he doesn't know if he could ever want to be married again). And if he's reading this, as I suspect he might, I'm hurting a man that I care deeply about. Great.

Junior League stuff has me stressed out because it's all so action-oriented and that's the furthest thing from where I am right now. Getting up, doing laundry, being energetic and committed at work, being everything possible for Alcott...they suck what little I have left out and leave me completely exhausted and empty. And then there's TCB. And my parents. And Tracy, my best friend, who I suspect is going through something really horrible right now but am too much of a waste of space to call and ask about because I'm afraid I'm not going to be enough to absorb what she needs to get out. And this journal, which I'm neglecting terribly because I don't know how to write "I suck and I feel like crap" again in an original way so that I'm not ashamed of my lack of creativity.

I look to all the world like a successful career woman who has a great relationship with her boyfriend, fulfilling volunteer opportunities, and a near-permanent smile on her face. Behind the smile lies ugliness and the daily battle to exist, but that just doesn't make for interesting conversation.

God this can't go on.


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