Who am I?
It occurs to me that I don't put as much of myself out here as I used to. At least part of that is because my lovely husband, TCB - hi, Honey! - now reads this journal regularly. Honestly, though, I'd started doing it even before he joined the crew of the Good Ship Stalled-on-a-Reef-of-Unhealthy-Habits. Anyway, not sure where I was going with that thought other than to say that I've decided to share some things about myself that you might or might not know and which might (or might not) be illuminating.
- I'm a procrastinator from WAY back. If I have a deadline to get something done and it's 29 days away, you'll find me panicking and getting started on the evening of Day 28. Don't know why other than I'm a fierce perfectionist and I know it'll never be perfect, so why start?
- Related to the above, I am either compulsively neat (everything must be in EXACTLY the right place or I freak) or a complete slob (dishes, trash, shoes, etc. strewn about the house)...there is no middle ground for me. My poor husband, when he comes home, is going to have to invent some sort of machine that will tell him which wife to expect when I come through the door because I just freak out when I'm Super Neat Girl and it's not pretty at all
- I am painfully self-conscious. About my weight. About whether people like me or not. Public attention is like nails on a chalkboard for me. If I could be invisible and yet still experience other people's joy and happiness, that would make me endlessly happy.
- I have an unreasonable phobia about the dentist. I've never to my knowledge had a bad experience with a dentist partly, I suppose, because I've so seldom gone to see them. At this point, I don't have a doctor or dentist. I have insurance (although I'm appalled at how difficult and expensive going to a dentist with my company's coverage will be), and I nearly never use it. I have a tooth that is about to fall out (seriously) and I just can't pick up the phone to call and make an appointment.
- Related to the above, I suffer from panic attacks. I was really confused about what brought the panic attacks on for a long time and then I realized it's about control. Specifically, my need to maintain a vise-like grip on everything that I can (and can't) control in my life. No surprises, everything as it should be. Of course, all of that's an illusion and that's what starts the panicky feeling that rises from deep in my stomach and envelops my head until I can't breathe, can't sit still, can't stay where I am because it's all too awful and horrible for me to deal with. I am the ultimate Scarlett O'Hara - whenever possible, when confronted with a situation that I can't fully control, I decide to "wait until tomorrow". Nifty, huh?
- I am deeply and disturbingly obsessed and terrified of death. Seriously. Every day, at least once a day, I think about diseases that I might have or some other Worst Case Scenario where either I or someone I love will end up dead. For someone who is too terrified of losing control to really live, don't you find it ironic that I'm worried about dying?
- Possibly related to the above, I call my mother every single day. Since almost losing her to cancer in 2002, I've made a conscious decision that - no matter how much she drives me batty - we will have a relationship which makes both of us happy so that there will never be regrets about what might have been
Still not sure what my point was with this, but that's what happens when you have a randomizer brain and an online journal.