Day 45 - I struggle (and use a lot of profanity - don't read if that will offend you)

(Note: I'm generally very careful about my language when writing here or writing anywhere online because, well, it's part of a public persona that could, one day, be visible to potential employers, to folks I go to church with, to my get the picture. Today, however, I just have to get this poison that's festering inside me out so that I can start healing, and I fear that this requires some profanity. Please, if you think you might be offended, skip this entry and come back tomorrow when I will - undoubtedly - be back to my old self. I might even delete this entry after a few days...we'll see.)

I was going to write that, "I've been struggling to find something to write," but then I realized that I've truly just been struggling, end sentence.

I was cruising along nicely (in my head and on the scale) for weeks before I went to visit the doctor and started dealing with the crap at the back of my (proverbial) closet that I've been avoiding for about 12 years. Wading back into the scary world of being diabetic and having to test my blood sugar threw everything into chaos inside my head. The program I'd been so carefully - obsessively almost - following for weeks suddenly betrayed me when I saw how high my blood sugar readings were and how high in carbohydrates the meals, meal replacements, and fruit and vegetables they recommended were. So I stopped following that program little by little. I also stopped taking my blood sugars because they weren't going down and there wasn't anything I could do about it (I was already obsessing and freaking myself out over the carb count of everything that went into my mouth), so why bother?

I thought I could just ease myself back into eating normal food in smaller, healthier size portions plus exercise and I'd get the same or close enough to same results: lower weight and hopefully lower blood sugar, too. But I didn't. Instead I have descended into the same Hell I lived in for 12 years before I started HMR back in January of starting out with good intentions and then eating a little bit of crap here, too much of a good thing there, not tracking anything that's going into my mouth, and binge eating. Oh yes, the binges...hello Darkness, my old friend.

The truth is that this thing I'm facing - diabetes - it's scary shit. I will one day die from a complication brought on by my inability to go totally OCD on this thing and never eat a single thing with carbs in it again. As I write this, the extra sugar in my body is slowly but surely destroying me from the inside out. Yes, my blood tests, eye exam, and blood pressure are all pretty good for now, but the odds say that they won't stay that way, even if I do manage to get my eating under tight control which doesn't really seem likely to me given that I'm a binge eater sometimes in recovery. Yes, I'm exercising consistently - 30 minutes of walking every work day plus an hour of yoga twice a week plus at least one long walk per weekend - but that's not going to be enough if I can't lose weight and get my eating under control. Must. Stop. Binge eating.

But if it were that simple - "I don't think binge eating is serving me well anymore, so let's give it a miss!" - I would have done it years ago. I'm starting to feel sort of hopeless about all of this, which is totally counterproductive, and I know that, but what had me losing weight is now "bad" for my long-term health, so what the Hell am I supposed to do? (Of course, I'm pretty sure the answer to that is NOT binge eating wasabi almonds as I've been doing on and off throughout the day.)

Here's the straight skinny on this:
1. I binge eat to deal with discomfort
2. Thinking about dying from diabetic complications makes me extremely uncomfortable
3. Doing what I thought was good for me, weight-wise - tightly controlled diet using packaged meals and meal replacements - turns out not to be good for my diabetes
4. The binge eating is making it worse because now I'm not losing weight AND my blood sugars are still high (I'm assuming this because I haven't had the guts to check in like a week now)
5. I did weigh and measure my stomach yesterday after avoiding doing so on Sunday because I was too scared, and I'd gained nearly 3 pounds - my first gain since starting to focus on my health again - but my waist measurement was the same

Where am I going with this post? I'm pretty sure I had a happy/upbeat conclusion in mind when I started but I can't seem to find it any more. I need to get in to see an Eating Disorder specialist pronto and I also need to make weekly acupuncture appointments to get this blocked energy/frustration cleared out. I can't just sit here, stewing in extended, seemingly endless, frustration (which, by the way, always leads to depression...see if it's not true for you) because that most certainly will NOT lead to a good outcome. Dear Jesus, I just remembered about my menopausal crap going on (hasn't been much of a problem since I started eating right and working out) and now I wonder how much of this mess is hormonal. God, I am such a mess. Seriously.

OK, enough. Enough. Seriously, just enough. I'm going to pause here to call the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) to get another referral for an eating disorder specialist as well as booking in to see Judith the acupuncturist. Be right back. OK, I now have appointments both for acupuncture (Friday) and to see an eating disorder specialist (tomorrow) least that's movement in the right direction, right?


Good for you for taking two really positive steps in the right direction.

You WILL find a way to get your blood sugar under control. You just haven't found the right combination YET. The most important thing is that you're still here and you're still trying!
gingersnapper said…
OK first of all, there is not nearly enough profanity in this post, and I for one am rather disappointed.

Second, take a deep breath chickie! I feel your pain and I'm not going to go all Susie Cheerful on you - you are facing some very difficult problems that are simply not going to be easy to solve. No, strike "solve," it's a matter of managing, not solving.

This particular approach didn't work perfectly, but on the other hand there was success in some areas: you are more active now and you said you feel better. That is not insignificant!

You are on the right track calling the EAP, as you say yourself this situation is not going to get better without dealing with the binge eating. That's the root of it, and whatever is the root of the bingeing. I know you can make big strides there, you have a powerful brain that you just need to point in the opposite direction.

Denise, I hope you didn't take my joke about the martinis in a way I didn't mean. I've never thought that binge-eating is something one chooses or can control. Yes, if only it were all that easy...!
neca said…
Hey Denise,

Wanted to share this show on PBS about diabetes with you:

It's a somewhat different point of view, but from a very well respected dr.

First off, good for making those calls!

My way of approaching this whole "get healthier" thing has been to approach it like I would a new hobby: research, learn about it, become an 'expert', and practice it. The packaged foods were easy, and doing a program is great b/c it doesn't require a great deal of thinking. What if you developed your own program based on your doctor's advice and what you learn about nutrition on your own? That might not be your way, but it sounds like you do well with structure, and if you can't find an existing program that meets your needs, then making one up might be a good alternative.

take care!
Melissa said…
Congrats on making those two appointments! That's definitely a positive step. I think that professional help is what you are going to need here.
I don't have any advice but I must say that I agree with Gingersnapper...where was the cursing?? But I hear ya, there's a lot I refuse to say in my blog for the very same reasons.
I'm wishing you well with this.
neca said…
This was posted over at dietgirl today - it's called "Things I have learned". I thought it was funny and true and might at least reassure you that you aren't alone in this! Take care!

• Laugh at yourself. Especially when you screw things up!
• Don't compare your progress to other bloggers, instead be inspired by them (ie. steal their ideas!)
• Try to reduce the self-loathing. I'm not saying you have to look in the mirror and chant, "YOU ARE A WINNER!", but it really doesn't help to stand around yelling at your thighs.
• Remember that the weight loss industry exists to make money, whether it's Weight Watchers or Slimming Magazine or the CSIRO or Dr Gillian McKeith. Even though they all help in their own ways, they don't have all the answers and they really want you to buy the Choco Crisp Bars or send away for the Pilates DVD. Take bits and pieces from what they tell you and clobber it together to make your own way of doing things. Don't let anything be a substitute for thinking for yourself.
• Don't put things off until you Get Skinny. Try something crazy and new. If you fail, just don't blog about it!
• Deal with The Past.
• Look at the Big Picture or look at the Little Picture. Whichever is easiest to stomach at the time!
• Don't disappear up your own arse. Losing weight seems to bring a lot of introspection and lightbulb moments, but don't let this journey take over your life.
• Accept that you are moody, inconsistent and full of contradictions. What worked for you yesterday may shit you to tears tomorrow, and for no reasonable reason!
• Never eat lentils before you do squats or lunges.
• Just because you think everything is about your weight, don't assume everyone else sees it that way. Often other people are much better at seeing past your fat than you are.
• Just because you lose weight doesn't mean your old fears and problems will disappear. Example: If you were scared of rollercoasters when you were 350lb you may still shit your pants at the thought of them 160 pounds later!
• Fage Total Yogurt is the best thing to come out of Greece since Plato.
• Things won't change overnight. It takes time, trial and error to forge a healthy lifestyle and figure out what works for you. The difficulty of this task increases by tenfold increments depending on how many times per week you used to visit McDonalds Drive Thru.
• Don't let the fear of loose skin, belly rolls or flabby arms stop you. Do you think Oprah worried about her bingo wings? No. She just flap-flap-flapped and flew away to world domination!
• If you're still worried about your flabby arms, move to Scotland. You can get away with long sleeves for about 364 days a year.
• Even when you royally screw up – over and over and over again – you can pick yourself up again. As long you never stop believing you will get there in the end.
Anonymous said…
You have no idea how much I can identify with you! I,too, am a diabetic, menopausal , and suffer from back problems. Doctors think I'm making excuses but I am trying. Currently, I'm doing ww with modifications. I have bread only at lunch and I eat fruit with breakfast & lunch. I don't have it as a snack....without a protein it raises the sugar. When I do have a snack it's a carb and protein, such as humus and red pepper or a half an apple and cheese or celery with peanut butter. My weight loss is slow, but I'm taking one Day at a time. I am hopeful that there will be research to help us in the future. Keep the faith....I feel your pain!
Anita said…
Denise: I think we've all been where you are....and some (like me) have had repeat visits. Nothing like sitting on the roadside and watching that wagon run off without to make you feel like shit. But the best thing you can do now is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again.

I was there last year. After months of exercising and watching what I eat, I was dscourage that the damn scare WOULD NOT MOVE! Finally, I gave up - to hell with it, I'm going to be fat forever. Instead, I decided to center my attention on eating better and eating with my "emotional baggage".

Maybe it's time to do that ... focus on one thing (food or exercise or emotional stuff) and to hell with the rest of it until that one item is under control. I seem to do best when I focus on one thing at a time these days - life is too chaotic to try to do it all at one time!

OK, enough from me. *hugz* I'm keeping you in my thoughts...

Anonymous said…
I am so sorry you are going through all this crap. And swear all you want; my dad was a cook in the navy, and the apple didn't fall far from that tree. LOL
mumtotwo said…
Godspeed dear denise. you are so honest and that is the first step.
i would keep doing the loosing weight thing you were doing in the last few weeks. get some weight off then worry about the high sugar. after all right now you have it anyway....
also, i found as i lost the weight the diab went away too....
Jenn said…
I'm sorry Denise, I wish there was something I could do to help. I think it's great that you're realizing the problem and are taking action. I hope you find a good specialist.

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