Day 53 - Debrief on meeting wtih doctor, pre-trip anxiety, and why it's all just too much today

Al the Pug woke up (and woke me up) at 2:45 am this morning. As I had not gotten to sleep until after 11:00 pm last night, I am a little less-than-fresh this morning. To be fair, it's really not his fault. TCB decided last night was a good time to implement the cat diet that our vet recommended for Harry at his last check up and, consequently, Harry decided that this morning was a good time to stand in the hallway next to his (empty) bowl, howling in unhappiness. Al heard Harry and started his own wailing. Mommy (that would be me) groggily stumbled down the stairs while crying silent tears of frustration and wondering how much cat muzzles cost. This should all make for an interesting night tonight as I pack up for my early morning flight.

Speaking of my flight, I've spent much of today having second thoughts about going to Baltimore. I won't know anyone at the conference, I'm going to go to DC on Friday by myself, and I'm worried about coordination of Al's care while I'm gone because TCB has class at Camp Pendleton from 6:00 to 10:00 pm Friday and 8:00 am to 5:00 pm Saturday, so he will be staying at the Marine Inn at Pendleton Friday night. My trusted, long-time cat sitter, Jane, will be coming over to look after Al but he's so used to his routine (food at 5:00 am and pm followed by a walk and bathroom break) that I don't now how he's going to be when she shows up at different times than those. Also, I've got my veggies going on the front porch and it's supposed to be hot over the weekend...will everything be sad and dying by Sunday night when I return? If Al isn't walked enough, he'll have an accident in his crate and then life as we know it will cease. And I have to vacuum before Jane comes over, at least downstairs, and clean the bathroom and kitchen, too. And remember to leave a check and detailed instructions. For Jane AND for TCB. Crap, it would be so much easier to just stay home.

To end on a positive note, my meeting yesterday with my doctor went really well. I cried when I started trying to tell her about how the stress of monitoring my blood sugar readings when they're still so high drove me into a binging frenzy and that I hadn't lost any weight since. She was so supportive and let me know that I shouldn't worry because it was a process and that we can and will adjust my medication to help with the sugars and weight loss. She also mentioned that she could prescribe Zoloft for my binge eating disorder problems if I thought it would be helpful; this sort of stopped me in my tracks for a little while. I've always been totally opposed to taking anti-depressants (for myself only, not judging anyone else for what helps them) because I don't like taking medication in general and feel that the body will heal itself most times if you just treat it properly (good food, adequate sleep, exercise, and some stress relief thrown in for good measure). But the truth is that I've been struggling with my weight and binging since...well, at some level all the way back to my pre-teens...and what I've always tried (work harder, distract yourself from food with something else, etc) hasn't worked in the long-term for me because I've regained every pound and more multiple times. So perhaps I OUGHT to give it a try. But it's still really scary because this is mind-altering medication we're talking about. What if I don't feel like myself? What if I really, honestly DO feel like myself and it turns out I'm not the person I've been? Lord have mercy, I can spin myself into a frenzy trying to figure this out if I'm not careful! I've got my dad - the pharmacist - doing some research into the straight poop on Zoloft, what to watch out for, what it does well, so I should have more information by the time I get back from Baltimore.

Assuming I go to Baltimore.



gingersnapper said…
When it comes to freaking out about things that *might* happen, we are twins separated at birth.

I don't know from Zoloft, I don't know anything about its risk and ramifications, but I do say don't rule out an anti-depressant if you think it will help you with this. Sometimes you have to bend a little and compromise on smaller problems to fix the big problem. I'm anti-med in the same way you are, but I know every situation is unique and you shouldn't automatically discount what might help you. And you know what? If you don't like it, you can change your mind.

And go to Baltimore! Everything will be fine.
I think you'll have fun in Baltimore! It's scary to walk into a room full of strangers, but I doubt that will last long. I've met many of the people going, and they are warm and open folks.

I'm so glad your doctor was supportive! I don't know anything about Zoloft, but if you decide to go that route, maybe it could be considered an interim solution? You'll know best, when the time comes to make a decision.
Glad your doctors appointment went well. I love it when doctors are compassionate and supportive! They're not all like that. I have a few friends and family members who really struggled with getting on anti depressants, but once they did, they were really happy with their decision.

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