Slowing down and listening

I know that I haven't written anything in a while, but I just haven't been able to organize my thoughts into anything organized. I'm here now because there are things happening inside that I want to share and no one else will listen to me.

I keep feeling these urges to, in the most simplistic sense, do the right thing. For myself, for my husband, for my neighborhood, and for the world, really. I want to stop buying stupid things that I don't need just because they look cool. We have no room in our house for what we have now, much less more. I have bought a total of four basic tee shirts since September 1st - the longest I've ever gone without a major clothing purchase. It feels really good and, probably not surprisingly to anyone other than me, I find myself wearing clothes that haven't seen the light of day in years. I'm being more creative in how I put things together instead of just buying more and more and more...creativity is very good.

I've talked before about how we're trying to do more cooking at home with better, fresher, less processed ingredients. To that end, we've signed up for a local, organic fruit and vegetable CSA as well as an organic beef CSA. It's an on-going process - we still eat out far more than we should - but we're working on it and that's a very good thing. And, while we've been using our own reusable carry bags forever and a day, I just discovered reusable produce and sandwich bags, so now we don't have to use as much plastic there, either.

Then there's my recent desire to learn to make our own bread without a bread machine, just my Kitchen Aid mixer. I know that both of my grandmothers used to do it and I'm fairly confident that I can learn, but it's really about a wish to simplify and also to know that what my family (TCB and I) eats is of the best quality possible. No funky preservatives or extra sugar, just good, wholesome, whole grain bread. I have the mixer and have never used it, so why not give it a try before I get rid of it for lack of use?

And I want to plant a winter vegetable garden. My citrus trees have somehow managed to survive complete neglect for months and there's just enough room around them to plant a few broccoli plants, some Brussels sprouts, and perhaps some squash. Fresh food grown by my own hand is definitely life-affirming.

In my quiet moments - of which there are all too few - I am focused on the positive, the happy, and the nurturing. I don't beat myself up for what I am not most of the time. When I feel the depression coming on (and it still does), I see it for what it is much faster than I used to and give myself permission to feel it and to listen to what it has to tell me. And you know, when I listen, the depression does have something to tell me. It speaks of loneliness and of not being enough. And that's OK. It's OK to feel lonely and sad, and to remember that there is more than that if you can only sit still and quiet, and wait.


All of life is a process, isn't it? And to me, that's a good thing as long as we remember to celebrate as we learn and to forgive ourselves when we have to go to remedial class. :)

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